My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug