Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.