when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
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Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Mornin
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother