Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
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If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.