Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
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I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.