All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
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Oh deer
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
the last thing a carrot sees
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app