you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
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My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
How all things should be taught/explained.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur