i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
This forever.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this