you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
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Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler