If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
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ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.