Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
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God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo