Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
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Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
X-tra spooky blend
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.