The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
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My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no