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*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach