god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
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It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
much to think about
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Don’t we all.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Any refunds available?…
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
it must be school picture day
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
LOL!
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about