I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
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ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Morning.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute