My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
❤️🦆
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I occasionally drink every single night.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.