Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
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bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Time for evil
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Bed should get ready for ME
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Good point.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.