[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
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Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
first you must answer his riddles
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Not😆🤣
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression