What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason