Made something I’m not proud of
You Might Also Like
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name