It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them