Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
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If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.