At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
You Might Also Like
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.