Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
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Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Double negatives are never not confusing.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…