If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
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Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.