*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
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After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match