me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
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My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.