Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
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I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.