I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
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My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Quadruple digit IQ
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Somebody’s lying.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Imma just leave this here…………
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall