I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
You Might Also Like
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I need to get some bricks…
Meowchelangelo
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.