Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
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Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Bobby pin
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”