Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
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I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone