Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
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yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Education is vital
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?