My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
You Might Also Like
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Sharon, call the vet
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.