My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
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Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Comparing yourself to others
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Seems a bit forward
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
how it started vs how it ended
iPhone X
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about