Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
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I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.