Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
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Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*