I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
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Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
scared to check what name she chose
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.