HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
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“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*