[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
You Might Also Like
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.