Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
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I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now