I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
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I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves