Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
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PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*