Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
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Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.