the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
how long have you had this for?
i- i did not expect this
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’m having an out of money experience.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.