Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
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If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??