ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
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[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
some things should go without saying
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
need him
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.