hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
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walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
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Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[shark tank]
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Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
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I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
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‘Bout that bass…
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
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Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
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Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
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God: I call it, 35.
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Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people