Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
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Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down